The Tug of the Caregiver Leash is something that lasts long after you are no longer a caregiver. While I was caring for my mother, I would feel uncomfortable if I was away from home for more than a few hours. In spite of having made good care arrangements, she was always on my mind and I felt guilty if I popped into a store she would like when I was on my own or had even a movie date with my husband. Everyday at 4:00 pm I would look at my watch and realize that I needed to make her special meal as well as care for my family.
After Mom passed on to Heaven, the tug of the caregiver leash was still strong. I was able to meet up with friends – many of whom I hadn’t seen in years. At 4:oo pm I would feel uncomfortable and guilty – like I needed to be somewhere else. My friends suggested a girls weekend – with an overnight at a local hotel. My first instinct was no. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t possibly spend the night away from home. Then I remembered that Mom was gone and that I could make plans. But then I felt guilty for making a plan to go out with friends. The invisible leash of caregiving takes a long time to dissolve. The feeling of of guilt for being able to come and go, make plans, stay overnight somewhere, just have pizza for dinner,and not filling up the plastic pill box every Sunday night take time and was very strong.
I learned that I had to give myself permission to enjoy my new found freedom and not to feel guilty for doing so. It took a good six months for the feelings to begin to diminish. I know my mother never wanted to be a burden and that she is delighted that instead of of feeling the tug of a leash, I feel the freedom of of her angel wings.
